Sterling Ambivalence (sterlingnorth) wrote,
Sterling Ambivalence

Assistant No More

An assistant at Hearst magazine got so mad she couldn't take it anymore. She fired off a letter to Hearst tracked her ass down and fired her post haste. (from Page Six of the NY Post)

May 23, 2002 -- Media aide bitches too much

A LOWLY assistant at Hearst magazines was fired yesterday after telling her high-maintenance bosses in an anonymous memo: "Buy your own candy, stop rifling through my desk and, yeah, guess what - I have to p- - too!"

The blistering harangue - which she posted on�s "Bitch Box" - begins: "Hey editors, get off your [bleeping] high horses and come down and smell your trash. We are your editorial assistants - not your maids, your mothers or your personal assistants.

"1. Your dead plants, pigeons and other �wildlife� in your office are not my problem. You�ve been around long enough to know plants need water and if they don�t get it, they die . . .

"2. Duane Reade sells candy to ANYONE. Do not bitch if the candy jar is empty. Do not bitch if what�s in there isn�t your favorite candy. Haul it ONE BLOCK east and buy the stuff yourself . . . Plus, we�re sick of fronting the cash.

"3. Pub Tech responds to everyone. It�s really easy to call them. And odds are, the problem is something you could fix if you would suck it up and take one training class.

"4. The refrigerator doesn�t keep things forever. I�m tired of my one little yogurt being surrounded by your seven containers of three remaining bites of a $50 lunch that has been in there so long, it smells like sweat socks.

"5. Learn how things work around here. I�m half your age, make a third of your salary, and after baby-sitting you for over a year, could do your job and still have time for a manicure. The copier is push-button, occasionally the printer does need paper, and the production department is just down the hall. Chimps could do half this stuff.

"6. I will occasionally not be at my desk . . . No kidding. I have to p- - too. And I get a lunch hour. Respect it or buy yourself a slave. Kathie Lee [Gifford]�s made a second career out of this.

"7. I do not have ESP. If you�ve told me to do something, it�s done, if you didn�t, it wasn�t. I can�t read your [bleeping] mind . . . and if it�s after 5:30, too late. Your forgetfulness and lack of organization is not my emergency. I�m going home to watch �Survivor.�

"And finally, 8. My desk is not your playground. Quit going through the papers on it; not all of it pertains to you. Don�t take things off it - if it was meant for you, I�d give it to you." The memo ends, "That is all - for now. The Assistant."
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